5 Ways to Handle Stressful Family Get-togethers
If you’re like me, the prospect of the entire family coming to town for the holidays sets you a little on edge. It can be stressful! I have a relatively large family and a definitively small home, so squeezing six utterly different personalities into the space of a broom closet is not always a pretty sight. However, I have figured out a few simple steps that allow me to keep my cool without any unnecessary eye-rolling or exasperated sighs.
Step 1
The first step may seem rather simple, but it’s really the most important: breathe. Take a breath. Better yet, take a few. I’ve found that, when emotionally charged, my throat starts to close up, leading to a higher heart rate and a lesser chance of diluting my emotional tidal wave in a sensible fashion. If you meditate (should not be confused with “medicate,” although that helps as well), this step should come easily to you. For those that don’t have the patience to sit still for meditation (myself included), start by telling yourself “Okay, take a breath, in and out” just as your doctor would on your annual visit. It’s such a silly step, but it really does make a world of difference.
Step 2
Next, find a spot that is all your own. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the house, outside in your yard, down the block, or up that sketchy alley where the town dealers do business - just find somewhere that is absolutely free of familial angst. For me, that place is an empty parking lot where I can go sit in my car undisturbed and listen to Hozier on repeat. It doesn’t have to be special, and it could very well be somewhere that is entirely overwhelming, like a loud and crowded nightclub. Whatever suits your fancy.
Step 3
This third step is an odd one, but I've found it to be pretty efficient. I have this issue where I can never find the right words to retort when I’m being verbally attacked by one of my older siblings, which always happens when we see each other. There is no greater frustration than looking back and thinking “Ugh, I should have said _________!” So, what I have started doing is planning my words ahead of time, and in ways that are more socially acceptable than uttering a stream of expletives in response to their digs.
Since I already have an inkling of what buttons they are going to push when we get together, I do a sort of rehearsal of how I will respond and with what words. Think of it as preparing for a presentation - the more you practice, the better you get. When it finally comes down to defending yourself against those pesky family members that always throw the first punch, you’ll be well versed in throwing it right back at them. Naturally, I prefer to never enter into a conflict if I can avoid it, but God knows that that is not always possible when you force a bunch of blood-relatives into a room and tell them to play nice.
Step 4
Don’t be afraid to separate yourself. There is this erroneous expectation that you have to participate in all of the family activities while everyone is in town. However, I have come to the realization that this is not always in my best interest (or theirs, for that matter). Forcing myself to be present in every moment of a get-together with relatives can be far worse than simply taking some “me time” away from them and coming back when I feel more able. My mental health is more important to me than discussing politics with my “I’m right, you’re wrong” older brother to the point where I am brimming with anger. So take a break! Maybe go to that place we discussed in Step 2! Just get away, no one will blame you.
Step 5
This last step is an important one. BE YOURSELF. Too often, people try to put on this mask of perfection for their relatives or censor themselves in order to appear more “agreeable” for the sake of the party. Don’t do that! If your grandma can’t handle the fact that your favorite class at school is Human Sexuality, screw her (pun-intended). Stick it to the man! Just kidding, I’m sure grandma isn’t really that bad.
But you get what I mean - find a way to be “agreeable” without sacrificing your best qualities. Maybe ask grandma what her thoughts are on the shifting acceptance of modern sexuality; it could lead to an incredible discussion. Seriously though, if you put on this facade of who you think others want you to be, you’ll only suffer for it when you should be able to enjoy the company of your good family and friends, just as they should enjoy yours.
Those are my five quick tips. They may not be groundbreaking, but they have gotten me through some tough family gatherings (relatively) unscathed. It’s also worth mentioning that family doesn’t have to be defined by blood. There are people in this world that I consider to be family that share none of my DNA, and yet I am closer to them than I am my own siblings. Make a point of building your own family, no matter the relation of the members. There is no crime in having little interest in some of your own kin; if there were, we’d all be jailbirds!