Moms and Eye Masks: My Hangover Cure-all

Before you assume that I’m a rampant drunk who can’t drink responsibly, I want to assert that I actually don’t indulge in the revels of absurd alcoholic consumption on a regular basis. Only when I’m in good company do I allow myself to order more than my usual two New Belgium Fat Tires while out on the town. My most recent romping took place in Cincinnati, Ohio where I had gone to visit a friend from high school who had recently moved into her first apartment and needed some help celebrating the occasion.

As a pretense, I should mention that I’ve only been really drunk a handful of times in my life and every time was a case of “Oh man, I shouldn’t have had that last drink.” My trip to Cincinnati was no exception. What started as a leisurely stroll about the city with the occasional dip into a local tavern or bar led to one beer, then another, then three more, *insert some seemingly innocuous shots here*, and you get the idea. The night came to a close with my face planted firmly within the embrace of my friend’s trash bin, violently vomiting all of the previous hour’s mistakes into eye view.

But, as anyone who’s ever been drunk can tell you, that’s usually not the worst part. No, the barfing and the regret only serve as a preface to the real evil-doer: the next day’s omnipresent hangover. And boy oh boy was it a doozy. The remnants of the shot dubbed “Lucid Absinthe” (a lovely little black licorice concoction) kept my gag reflex on red alert the entire day. While I should have heeded the bartender’s warning after I probed as to what exactly was in the shot and his reply was “It’s disgusting, don’t get it,” somehow my inner wild child took that as a challenge, and boldy accepted. That decision haunts me to this day.

When I finally realized I was in for a rough awakening the day after our jaunt about town, I knew I had to take precautions and, in the process, stumbled upon the best morning-after remedy of all time, which I am solemnly dubbing the “Moms and Eye Masks Hangover Cure-all.” As you can imagine, it consists of very few ingredients, among them being my mother (the angel who watched over me during my recovery) and frozen eye masks (which are the perfect combatant to potential alcohol poisoning).

“I had no control - my head was racing, and so was my digestive tract.”

After stirring from my brief slumber just hours after my friend and I called it quits, everything unfolded as I expected it would and I knew I needed to get home if I was really going to recover. Although I was still throwing up, heavily nauseous, and in a downward spiral, I convinced myself that I was well enough to drive (in retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have). Somehow, I made it through the 2-hour car ride back to Columbus in one piece, despite some very worried looks from fellow drivers along the way from what I can only assume was the result of some lane swerving on my part. Right before I got home, I shot my mom a text (yes, I texted while driving but, honestly, is that the worst decision I’d made so far?) asking her to prepare the barf buckets and man all stations for the incoming oblivion that was her partly-drunk, fully-repentant daughter.

As soon as I got out of the car, I blew through the front door and into the closest bathroom, shouting “I need bread and water, stat!” At this point, there was bile coming out of every orifice, but I won’t give you all the gory details. Let’s just say I had no control - my head was racing, and so was my digestive tract. A good 20 minutes later, I was well enough to choke down some bread before lugging my body up the two flights of stairs that led to my bedroom. At this point, I had not yet implemented my hangover cure-all but would soon feel its healing powers disseminate over my whole body.

I made it into bed and, surprise surprise, threw up again. My head was still spinning, and the room with it. When my stomach had convulsed to the point of numbness and there was nothing left to regurgitate, I hesitantly let sleep consume me. Only minutes later would my guardian angel come to the rescue and make the road to recovery that much more expedient.

From my drunken slumber, I was roused by the icy touch of a frozen eye mask. My clammy forehead graciously accepted its presence, allowing its frigid fingers to bleed into my now-sunken cheekbones. The cold somehow grounded me and made the whole world stand still. Sleep no longer felt like a threat of endless spins but a promise of deep, unadulterated rest. And the carrier who brought it, my mother, would generously freeze and re-apply a set of masks every couple of hours or so, in addition to checking for my pulse. After all, as someone who doesn’t drink very often, there was no guarantee that alcohol poisoning wouldn’t carry me off into the spirit world while I slept.

This process of cold care from a warm heart would last the entire day, until I woke up feeling close to 100% 12 hours later. No spins. No throw-up. No hangover. I was dumbfounded. I always knew a mother’s touch had healing powers but, wowza, I never imagined it could be used to cure the ramifications of my reckless decision making. This led me to the coining of the “Moms and Eye Masks Hangover Cure-all” in all its simplicity and perfection. Although I know not everyone can have their mom around to take care of them after a night gone too far, I feel that any loyal companion - whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend, buddy, roommate, etc. - can fill this role (but maybe not to the same degree as one’s mother could). The importance lies in administering the cold regimen every couple of hours. In addition, you should always have at least one eye mask on standby in the freezer so that the drunkard is never without one while the other is chilling in preparation.

It may seem crazy easy, but this process really did bring me back to health when there was seemingly no soberness in sight. In addition, there are, of course, some very simple steps to recovering (drink water, try to eat something to soak up the alcohol [I recommend Hawaiian rolls], etc.) that everyone should know by now if they’re drinking. I stand by my “Moms and Eye Masks Hangover Cure-all” and, as a medical professional (lol, just kidding), would recommend it to any serious drinkers out there. Happy trails and stay safe!